Guide to Parenting Your 20-Something Children
As the young people say, let’s keep it 100 (keep it real). Parenting doesn’t magically stop when your child turns 18. Sure, they’re technically adults, but that doesn’t mean they’ve got it all figured out—or that their frontal lobe is fully developed yet. More on that later. The shift from parenting a high schooler to navigating life with a young adult can be a rollercoaster…or a tornado, in some cases. If you’ve ever wondered how to support your 20-something child without overstepping, you are not alone.
Having recently navigated this stage myself, I can tell you that parenting your 20-something children can be one of the most challenging phases of raising kids. It’s a time when they’re figuring out their independence and identity, and as a parent, it can feel like you’re caught between offering loving support and giving them the space to make their own decisions and grow. I often share with other parents that the complexity of raising adult children far outweighs the challenges of the toddler years (and maybe even pre-adolescence) years.
But fear not! I have compiled a list of practical ways to navigate this tricky stage without losing your mind. This challenging phase of parenting is a whole new ballgame. It’s less about rules and more about boundaries, less about control and more about guidance. Basically, we’re moving from being the boss to being a trusted advisor (whether they realize it or not).
After many conversations with God, reading Jim Burns’ Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, and raising my twin daughters—who just turned 30—I’ve learned a few things. Let’s explore some practical strategies for navigating this difficult time while keeping your relationship strong, maintaining that deep love, and staying connected to the children you care about so much.
Parenting Your 20-Something Children: Practical Tips
1. Letting Go of Control (Yes, It’s Hard)
Remember the good ol’ days when you could set a curfew and they (mostly) had to listen? Well, those days are gone, my friend. Your adult kids are calling their own shots now, and that’s how it should be. But let’s be honest—it’s hard to watch them stumble, especially when you can see the potholes a mile away. One of the best things you can do? Step back.
If you’ve been a helicopter parent, it’s time to land that thing and let them figure stuff out. And if you’re a bulldozer parent, like I was, park it in a barn! Your adult children need to make their own mistakes. Hard to watch? Yep. Necessary? Absolutely. Previous generations had to figure out the real world without Google or social media, and our young adults will find their way too—just in a different way.
2. Setting Boundaries While Maintaining Respect
If your 20-something is still living at home—whether they’re full time students, job hunting, taking a gap year, or just trying to save money—there have to be some ground rules. But here’s the deal: those rules need to be built on mutual respect, not the “because I said so” approach we used when they were in high school.
Open communication is going to be important. Talk about expectations. Who’s paying for what? Are they making a financial contribution? Are there household chores? (Answer: Yes, there should be household chores and they can do their own laundry.) You’re not running a free hotel, but you also don’t want to make them feel like guests in the family home. Finding that balance is key.
3. Supporting Them Financially Without Enabling
Here’s the thing—helping your adult children financially is a slippery slope. You want to provide financial support, but you also don’t want to fund their every whim. If they’re full-time students, sure, some support makes sense. But if they’re working a full-time job, even part-time, they should have some skin in the game.
Encourage good financial habits. If they’re making money, they should be handling at least some of their expenses—cell phone bills, gas, whatever makes sense. And if they hit a rough patch, instead of bailing them out, maybe guide them through budgeting or job searching. Teaching them how to stand on their own two feet is the best way to set them up for success in the future.
4. Biting Your Tongue on Unsolicited Advice (This One’s Tough!)
Let’s talk about something we’re all guilty of—offering advice they didn’t ask for. I get it, we have life experience… wisdom…been through the school of hard knocks. We know what’s coming, and we just want to help. But here’s the reality: they’re adults now, and unsolicited advice often feels like criticism. Instead of jumping in with “You should get a better job” or “That’s a terrible idea,” try asking open-ended questions. “How are you feeling about your job search?” “What’s your plan for the next six months?” It keeps the conversation going without putting them on the defensive. And when they do ask for parental advice? BAM! That’s your moment to shine.
5. Social Media, Cell Phones, and Respecting Their Privacy
We live in a world where it’s way too easy to keep tabs on our kids through social media. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Trust me, nothing good comes from mindlessly scrolling your college student’s Instagram at 2 AM. Instead of policing their posts (and worse commenting,) use technology to stay connected in a healthy way. Send a funny meme, check in with a quick text, or even schedule regular FaceTime calls if they don’t live nearby. Keep it light and positive—nobody likes a mom or dad who only texts to ask, “Why are you out so late?”
6. Creating a Judgment-Free Zone
Want your emerging adult to keep coming to you? Make your relationship a safe space. That means less lecturing and more listening. They need to feel like they can share their struggles without getting an immediate “I told you so.” One of the best things I’ve learned is to just listen—even when I don’t agree. Sometimes they just need to vent, not get a solution.
And when they do ask for input, sharing your experiences instead of telling them what to do can make all the difference. I’ve found that my daughters are more open when I share how I dealt with my life experiences or a similar situation and what I wish I had known or would have done differently. They are more receptive to my advice, and we have developed a better relationship as a result of this strategy.
7. Accepting Their Life Choices (Even When You Don’t Love Them)
At some point, your adult child is going to make a choice you don’t agree with. Maybe they take a job that seems like a dead end, date someone who’s bad news, or decide to move across the country.
Deep breath, exhale. It’s your child’s life, not yours. Support doesn’t mean agreeing with every decision—they just need to know you’re in their corner no matter what. Instead of saying, “That’s a mistake,” try, “Tell me what excites you about this choice.” Be curious. You might learn something—and they’ll feel supported, not judged.
8. Reminding Them (and Yourself) That They’ll Figure It Out
One of the best things you can do as a loving parent is to remind your 20-something that they are exactly where they’re supposed to be. We’ve all been there—figuring things out, making mistakes, and learning along the way. Times are different now, but the journey of becoming independent and navigating the real world is still full of unexpected challenges no matter the generation. Tell them: “You’ll figure it out. It’s okay to ask for help. You’re going to make mistakes, and that’s part of growing. I’m here for you.” Sometimes, that reassurance is exactly what they need to hear.
9. Rediscovering YOU in the Empty Nest Years
Here’s the silver lining to parenting 20-something children—this season isn’t just about them growing; it’s about you growing too. When your kids become independent, it’s time to rediscover your own life. What brings you joy? What dreams have you put on the back burner? This is your chance to dive back in. Build your own lives and friendships, take up new hobbies, and embrace the freedom that comes with this stage. You’ve spent years pouring into your kids—now it’s time to invest in yourself, too.
The Brain Science Behind Maturation
Brain research says that the frontal lobe, which helps us make decisions, plan ahead, and control our impulses, doesn’t fully develop until around age 25. So, a 20-something might still be figuring out how to make choices that consider the long-term effects. It’s perfectly age appropriate. This is why young people in their 20s can sometimes make more impulsive or risky decisions—they’re still building those brain connections that help them think things through more carefully. While this can lead to some exciting, adventurous moments, it also explains why decision-making can feel a bit like trial and error at this stage. It’s all part of the growth process!
Trusting God to Protect and Guide Our Children
Praying for our children on a regular basis is one of the most powerful ways we can show love, trust, and surrender. As loving parents, it’s natural to want to protect our young adults from unexpected challenges and guide them through different things. But there comes a point when we must choose to release our worries and trust that God is ultimately in control of their lives. Choosing to love them, maintain a healthier relationship, and entrust their well-being to God doesn’t mean we stop being involved—it means we acknowledge that, no matter how much we try, we can’t be their ultimate protector.
God is their heavenly Father, and when we pray for them, we’re placing them in His hands. We can pray for their safety, wisdom, and peace, and know that God is watching over them. It’s comforting to remember that, as much as we love them, God’s love for them is even greater, and He promises to care for His own. As parents, we can rest in this truth. A scripture that reassures us of this promise is:
Matthew 19:14: “But Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.’”
Final Thoughts
Parenting your 20-something children isn’t about controlling their choices—it’s about supporting them with love, respect, and a whole lot of patience. It’s a different way of parenting, but it can be an incredibly rewarding one if you embrace it. So, let’s keep the welcome mat out, our mouths (mostly) shut, and find joy in this new chapter. Because honestly? We’ve earned it.
